But never myself.

always about other people,

*grin*

assalamualaikum.

today this post is about one of my overthinking thoughts in life. let's get started.

when i was little (infant age maybe?) my mom got divorced with my real dad. at age six or five (me) my mom married to my stepfather. then my lil brother was born. yeah nothing expectations at all.

of course, the youngest will receive more (attention i guess). i'm fine with that. skipping schools seem normal and acceptable in family for that kid while for me hardly ditch school in the illegal way (i've repent though). throwing tantrums getting coax with attention and money (stuff). i still remember how the family status was hard there were times we have to share a piece of chicken for a meal or just eating rice with sugar.

growing up, we fights a lot. over little things that i don't remember. we were throwing stuff as the battle get intense. locking doors hitting wall and so on. those fights hardly stopped unless adults step in. being a female of course there are times i get angry as we doing chores more than male species. i know it supposed to be training for us females for future but... i don't know

until one day i stopped complaining about it but the wound is still there.

my mom was a very busy person, searching money for family. working as teacher morning and evening session with salary around RM1,000 per month -almost same like me now such unbelievable economy- also weekend both days teaching the mualaf then not much time with us children. many times i'm holding back from asking her to buy for me. even clothes we family buy school uniform every year but daily clothes was received dari pusat derma or given by other family member inheritance.

even during my college days, i feel embarrassed to ask for fee payments from my parents. i used either my allowance money or some that i receive from other family members or teachers

there was one day, i was walking with mom -maybe from market to home- then we passed through an electronic store. it was the season of Iphone 3G that time. i asked her if could you buy me one of those? like any smartphone or any button phone. i was a teenager so that kinda look cool and curious to know about. she said can if you (me) got the first place rank in exam she'll buy it for me. ouhh ok. if not mistaken my rank was number 14 that year.

few years later after PMR (i got rank 7 or 8 like that) i admitted to vocational college (hostel far from home). on October the first semester results got announced and i got the first rank. i called her using public phone there then she said "i knew it". couldn't forget that comment :') semester by semester went by - i still the first place haha- and i don't even cared to ask for that promise (the phone).

she believed i am the best.
i am her beautiful and clever daughter.

thank you mother.

first Ramadhan 2014, my mom started coughing blood. empangan (in english) this part was too sad for you to read so let's fast forward. my mother passed away on Feb 2015. lung cancer then it got worsened affected her brains. eventually the doctors told to stop her machine and she got home (with a borrowed hospital bed) until her heartbeat actually stop forever. sad but life goes on. i continued my school vocational until the end. my sister started studies at upm. "be nice to your brother" my lil brother (as part of my stepsiblings brother) get pushed here and there. what i mean they told go there, go here, do this, do that. as he still underaged. well that person himself not interested in studying that time.

my mom left huge insurance around 20k which already make me sad. the money she works days and nights that moments couldn't be with me. with faraid, male members get extra than female. yeah i understand that. later my stepdad with lil brother went for umrah. also the stepsiblings that told lil brother to swasta school care what (don't give a fish) with the expensive fee. i can only watched all these drama. my words wouldn't be heard anyway.

once, my stepdad admitted to hospital then under operation. i'm grateful he's healthy now (insyaallah). alhamdulillah. rn about twice a week he went for dialysis for kidney not so... either hand arm or the holes on his neck. one sentence he told me in around those scary (operations) moments = "take care of your lil brother". hmm. what about me? shouldn't female member of your family be protected also? acting strong ain't easy but pleased to other's eyes. i'm scared too.

early 2020 - covid got worse in this country. lockdown so everyone staying at home. i lost my job. the company terminate me then closed down. i applied many places, went interviews here and there. tough times. that kid got online classes to catch up. seeing him sleeping not attending annoys me. funnily the expensive fee still going even you're not in school. only few hours per day - not for the whole week- for classes going. not only that, he hardly did the homework given by his teacher. i tried to be a nice sister, cleaning his place, prepares food and so on.

in this pandemic i realize his arrogant behavior. let say we're going out to store at 2pm, (even many time i remind him) he start to get ready at 2.30pm. then we missed the bus. pastu dia boleh kata "camni la kalau nak keluar dgn aku" in other definition he won't be punctual and people should respect that. i really despise people playing with my time. i still keeping my patience.

also he not telling truth (lied) to me many times. for examples there's this one bin with closed lid i told him not to put food trash inside as it will invite unwanted animals, throw them at kitchen bin. he said he's not. then he got back to hostel - i cleaned that found nasi lemak skins inside. being the young male hope in the family, many elders complained about him to us sisters instead directly to that boy. his attitude, the effects, suggestions this and that. all those bebelan disguise as advices went into our ears.

his school mark wasn't nice, at least you should respect your teachers. one day, while playing PS2 games together i suggested let's do homework little by little everyday. couldn't remember much but his answer really got me annoyed. then i left to my room. trying to reduce the anger by sleeping then woke up forgetting everything haha.

why did i care anyway. only some of mother's money he wasting. he just a kid that came out from my mom stomach.

you'll get hurt when you cared too much. so i stop give a sh** about him. it's my fault seem like controlling his life when my own is miserable itself. go live your life. been told my whole life to take care of others but never myself.

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Bangtan Sonyeondan

can't believe i fall in love towards this 7 people so beautifully.

BTS

i was first know this name maybe around 2012 like that. i like the song NO "everybody say No, ...andwae, we roll we roll" and also Haruman (Just One Day) "haruman neowa naege hamkehal su itdamyeon, haruumaaaannn" :D it was the area that have Crayon Pop jumping eh jumping eh jumping everybody. for almost every kpop group, to able differentiate who is who at first is hard for me. then around 2 years ago their name got popular. many merchandises sold with their name. i be like ohhh, that's good. i heard their songs a lot but i didn't know it was their song. you understand what i mean?

on stage, music video, every performance very intense and passion but they are human, got the other side that can make you curious about. you will fall in love with them. so here i'm gonna write why i love each of them. the arrangement based on age eventhough i like them all.

Jin

there's no doubt he's so charming. his personality also beautiful. he's a very good hyung that treats and care for every member with full love. he's so funny. i like his jokes. sometimes they are awkward for the members but it's okay. hihi. he doesn't get mad when younger member not using banmal to talk to him (senior). although he's very tall, he seem very lightweight person. any bts member lift him up so easily. the laugh, the smile, the efforts everything about him is attractive. a good supporter to anyone having problem eventho can't get serious sometimes haha but it's good. hearing his voice could lead to a good night sleep. oppa saranghae!

SUGA (Yoongi)

at first, i kinda noticed this guy have somekind sad vibe. i don't know. after watching few videos of him with the members, he appear so adorable and a fun person. sometimes he savage especially towards Jimin hahaha. to haters and paparazzi better avoid this guy if you want to live longer. his voice is unique, feels like thick and savory at the same time. love to see him laugh and be annoying sometimes.
such a cutie ❤

J-Hope

the first time i wanna get to know him, he smiles a lot. how can i not be melting? then i found out he very strict and disciplined for dance and every performance. i fall deeper for this kind of guy. diligent makes you charming. well every members of BTS are so committed to give the best performance. his voice so manly and his part mostly rap lyrics. ohh btw his face really scary when he got angry.

Rap Monster (RM)

Namjoon ssi (RM) is one the faces that i recognize from this group even from few years back. he got some features that makes him special from other member. some kind panda vibe like SUGA too. he's the leader of the group. a warm hearted and loving person. but discipline need to come first. i understand the burden of taking responsbility of people under you. be strong. i've seen videos he try to solve the fight between members. usually in their song his part is rap lyrics but his voice is friendly. he looks like a fun person to be with. Namjoon-ssi you are strong and awesome :)

Jimin

this guy have baby face and very child sweet behavior (not the annoying type). he also get mischievous sometimes with the members. his voice is soft like clouds in the sky. Jimin most of the time become energetic person and he shows lot of aegyo (cuteness). he's such angel keep helping other people even without asking. i can see why many people love him. Jimin is so adorable sarang surowo~

V (Taehyung)

V face is really small and i guess that is what korean people likes. perhaps i was living with a lot of long-face human around me. it's beautiful how V support all members to be strong and keep going. playful sometimes and a good entertainer. his voice is dark and manly. although he got vibe like serious all the time, he's just adorable person especially when he smiles :)

Jungkook

very handsome and rebellious sometimes hahaha. it's okay, i understand to be the youngest member in the group could be tiring. as a singer Jungkook voice is soft and calming. hearing his voice could make you fly in the sky. he's very active and good in sports. so strong member just gave up versus him. he got many tattoo and at first i thought that was pen drawing. i mean i like to doodle on my hand too. now he go so much until the arm. between members Jungkook always treated as baby :D i almost fainted seeing when he smiles.

to all BTS member, i want you to know you are loved. saranghae ❤ You are all special.

Story of my crushes.

never thought that i can fell.

i know this is a feeling that i don't deserve,
but please

allow me to have dreams.

i'll try my best to write every person i've been interested here. haha.

1. Mr Office Guy

so how do we met? well i don't even remember...
he was actually one of the person that works at my college.
he has ordinary looks, a little beards, a bit dark skin, and pretty thin body. for sure he's taller than me.
he maybe don't look like you readers dream guy right?
but i don't know...

rather than other people, i always saw him going to musolla like almost everyday. well that's the Ramadhan story. sometime he became either imam, muazzin or hadis reader. so i'm kinda recognize his voice. yeah, sengau la jugak.
i also noticed he's such a helping hands. most of the reconstructing, furnishing, or backyard project inside the college, he was there.he likes to do other errands beside his specific job. there were a lot of picture in his facebook posted few years ago doing works such as painting the Block A in hostel, the corridor, etc. yeah, my life as a stalker made me like this.

there was something that i wish i would never forget. that time i made a few potrait drawing for teachers' day. i wanna make it neat and clean so i went to the office to ask help to laminate. first i went just to ask the price. he said if it's for school or under school's project, it's free but if for yourself then payment needed. hmm okay. so i went back to my bag to take my sketches and laminating plastics that i got from my sister at home. suddenly he said like this, "oh it's your own plastic so don't need to pay" .
when i took out the sketches, he was like...
i don't know how to say this...

HE's SMILING.
then he stood up walking out telling the other staffs there. he bring my sketches to show them. Mr W. also there that time.

me? just standing with frozen face and horrible feelings out there.
haha... yeah, i was shock and feel embarrassed at that time, but what he was doing suddenly look cute.

wait, what?

yeah, you can say this place is crowded with a species called 'female', 'girls', 'yeoja'...
straight to the point, he got many fans. i don't think this statement is going to bring me down. nahh, nope, never.
i know life is full of competitions and i'll make sure to do my best to win.
some of them trying to approach him in many ways. such as, when he pass through them, they say hi or assalamualaikum. Ummi once told me about one of the paper on the office counter, was written his name and someone's confession. like literally they wrote 'i love you (his name)' on that paper.
also i noticed some people smile every time they saw him.
they were so excited the time he was wearing a green baju melayu during Mr W retirement day. some even asked for his number.
i keep hearing his name in these girls gossip. he's getting popular.

once, i was surprised when i got to know that he's married. totally heartbroken.
but when i asked a lot of people, i found out that he still single. Ummi does helps me a lot. he came to work by car but sometimes by a motorbike. oddly he always ride on the motorbike straight towards the back side of the college.
i really don't know what he's up to. Ummi said he's going to the house behind the whatever-ball courts. i thought that houses were abandoned. creepy, huh?
his flaws is that he don't wear helmets when riding. dangerous even this place is quietly no racing being held.
another thing that makes me feel unpleasant is that... that day... on Friday, after the noon break, his body got a smell of cigarette smokes. :'(

i dream of having healthy family

that's much better sayin' than i wanna make good children hahaha

there was one afternoon, me, ummi, zie, helping teacher at the place outside bilik ketua bidang - we was sitting (on chair) at the table outside- and he walk through. then zie invited him to chat. i was looking below, silently, to the ground so he won't notice anything. let's just live like the other days.

suddenly, ummi crazily challenges that guy to say "hai Shamsiah" ...

and he did. he just did. plus he said at the end, "who's Shamsiah?"
i cannot stand it. with a smile on his face made me extremely like a dying fish there. haha...

12th Aug, i was silently shouting inside. haha.
my classmates was inside CounselingRoom and i was playing with the door, sneaking and peeping outside.
suddenly i saw him coming out from the next room, B.K.Bidang. the door is made of wood and got clear glass window on it. i feel nervous so i closed the door. a few seconds later, in front of this square shaped object, he was standing.

me and him holding the same door holder but from different sides. yeah, literally for about 0.001 seconds then i ran away and squeeze into other people in that room. he was looking for someone else to pass the letters. made me totally nervous and shocked. haha. Ummi may not feel the same when that guy called her 'dugong' that time.

24th Aug, that noon, just before zohor prayer. it feels like i got strucked by a strong current named 'coincidence'...
that time the imam was about to start the solat jemaah and i noticed the ladies 'saf' don't have enough sejadah. it was one of the day that the 'pemisah' curtains opened and viewed everything. first i realize only orange and green people at male saf. so nothing. no blue (his uniform color). i walked to the stairs towards the sejadah wardrobe to took some. when i turn around, heading back,

he's there. sitting silently on the floor while body leaning to the wall. my eyes looked straight into his and quickly i remove my sight away.
okay, some kind like dramas.

in the evening, i headed back to dorm a bit late for joining ummi, zaty in helping cg.F sewing the beads onto her daughter in law dress.
me and ummi went to the musolla for asar prayer and zaty stay. on the returning journey, we saw my face a.k.a. the promoting poster for the election in green paper, pasted on the fire extinguisher box alone. weirdly standing there. ummi laughed hardly. i feel embarrassed with no reason. haha. so i tried to take it off. we kinda made noise there. suddenly,
he said,

yes 'he',
"it's okay there, don't need to take it off..."

i don't know if he just being common sense (not to vandalism which is just take off public advertisement) or he thinks that my face is beautiful on that fire extinguisher box. or maybe he's on my side. keep dreaming.

2016, i was running in the election for Deputy Head of Student Council meanwhile
Ummi for Head of Student Council vs Rauhah. teacher & the whole school force me.
most of them.

4th Oct, i heard the news that he's going to move soon from Ummi. oh no, is this the end of my drama? yeah, knowing this already makes me feel sad. she said he supposed to leave last Friday but he postponed till the end of this week.

Thursday morning i was thinking how to end this separation in the best way. let me tell you something. many people came and go in my life. i'm sure yours too. so i made a decision to make the important people in my life know that they're meaningful to me and the made me feel grateful for meeting them. the examples are my friends before this moved to the other school, my retired teachers like madam T, Mr W., and many more.

i hate it when they leave and i couldn't even say goodbye.

so i was planning to draw his potrait to give him. i guess drawing is the only one i could afford and one of the thing i good at. i must make sure nobody saw when i'm drawing that night. i need to search the perfect time to do it. this is the secret i must keep. so after Isyak i went up to my dorm and sadly that night have roll call at 9.30 pm. hmmmm. but before that, i went to UK dorm (first floor) cause a lot of my friends there. second floor quite not so much people. next the roll call and came back to the dorm. a few friends came and invite me to study group together about math. yeah, my quiz and tutorial paper hasn't finished yet. i should use this chance. besides, there's a lot of people will walking thru my locker to get to the door so this is bad if they saw it.

so around 11 p.m. i guess, i started to draw. first, i tried to draw in small size of paper like 1/8 of an A4 cause it fits my 'letter skin' and... it looks ugly. then, i just draw using half an A3 paper that i found in my locker. that paper a bit thick, maybe 80 gsm type.
i chose his profile pic on Telegram which his face 'mendongak' so you can see the nostrils muahahahahahaha.
so i drew starting from the eyes, nose, mouth, cheeks and so on. well, i paused for a while and realize his bare face without the beards. haha. okay, then i drew the songkok and baju melayu he was wearing. wanna see it?

the nose is lying. it should be bigger.

7th Oct, Friday. what should i do? if i put it on his desk in the morning before he came, it might be found by someone else if he absent. so should i just gave him straightly like that? what if someone saw me doing that? but if... if i... what happen if...

way many 'if'.

around 9 a.m. i went to Access room w Izzah n Pijah.
when we heading out, i saw him and i hid. no no no...
he's wearing grey kurta that morning. then we went straightly to library for math class.it was a bit raining but feels like winter already. got a new quiz paper and needed to settle this but wait? where are the teacher? they said there was 'perpisahan' ceremony for that guy. so he won't be here after this anymore? our teacher gone like half an hour and went in. i just can sit down doing the quiz but my seats facing straight to the clock wall. Yan sat beside me. why? cause she's doing exactly the same quiz. anyway, cg. N class also there. this library is huge. yeah, funnily me and Yan speaking in english language talking literally about everything. mostly are jokes.

already 12.30 p.m. in the noon. i couldn't see him. maybe this is it?
i took a long breath and went to the dining room with Buci for lunch. saw Ummi there and told her about this. she said he still around this evening. She told to get ready around 2.10 p.m. to send it. it's a bit early than usual (Friday break) but i'm fine with that.

2.10 p.m. i sat on the stairs waiting for Ummi. she just went out from the toilet. so we head down to send the letter. i showed the drawing to Ummi and during putting it back inside, the letter skin got crumpled. clumsy me.

She said wait for line clear first and we saw nobody inside (the office) so rushingly put the letter with his name writing on it. maybe all worker are on lunch break and we do understand cctv recorded everything. haha. we didn't get behind desk, just through the counter mirror passing the letter to fall onto table. wallahualam. feels relieved for getting out quietly (nobody saw) and suddenly Sir Jai approach us from the back.

well, secrets sealed. sir didn't even ask us why entering that place. so Ummi went on the bus for her camp at Nilai while me, have nowhere to go. sir said his class will be free time and i feel happy hearing that. i saw some shoes at surau and went there. i found Izzah, Pijah and Syafiza there. Pijah doing her illustrations and the other two were sleeping. i used Izzah's laptop to watch Scarlet Heart Ryeo. keep peeking outside wondering if he receiving the letter or not.
at 4 p.m. our class w cg N. was in the library but the teacher didn't enter at all. so 5 p.m. school's over and we were informed to assembly. sir was briefing about national sport's day tomorrow.

suddenly saw him and the staff walking away from i-terrace. that time he's wearing pink some kind like magenta shirt (kemeja) tucks in. but wait, did he wanna go home already? why he's holding nothing? he didn't received yet? did my plan failed? or the letter fall maybe? did someone else found the letter? will it be so obvious that it was my drawing? is this how my life ended?

too many questions appeared in my mind.

after sir's briefing, me n Buci went to the dorm. knowing nothing, just praying he'll found the letter.

besides writing muehehehe on the outside, i wrote two words at the corner of the drawing. first is 'bye.' and second is 'kitarikaeyo.' which is in korean language. sorry but i can't tell you the meaning here.

i know i didn't stand a chance, but my life become more colorful with your presence :)

UPDATE :

Februraury 2020 : i got news from Ummi sayin he's married, in October 2019. what?
hahaha. it's been like 3 or 4 years since this story started.

he found his true love. i feel happy for him.

p/s : he's not gay. the person in the picture is his friend.
at the back is his wife - can't be seen clearly-

2. Rini

okay, let's rewind few more years back. 2011

there's this guy, 3 years older than me.
i was in Form 1 in KAA class so morning sesi student. other form 1 is evening session. in House Sport (rumah sukan) HS merah, i choose to join march (kawad kaki) maybe because my friends many enter that time. Fiena didn't join. i think she was in Blue HS. we all 4 came for registration. however on the first day of training, supposed to come to field but my three friends gone. i arrive alone, there's like 4 senior in red HS waiting. i've been shy with no place (malu tak bertempat) so i sit at outside surau next to field.

my friends arrived late then get started the training. it happen few times, many times. i'm not sure whether they don't want to join anymore or time management problem. tbh my friends are same class with me. why do i arrive alone? i'm too stupid to understand that time.

continue to the story, i was first teached by(diajar) RINI-bukan nama sebenar- on how to walk march. i guess that age i get nervous easily. he was standing next to me showing leg steps and raise hands uniformly. we walking side by side. his skin a bit brown, wearing spectacles, a bit curly hair and his height taller than me. i melted hearing his voice. don't know why but he looks so shining that time. i guess this is puberty hahaha.

the 4 senior guy i mentioned earlier we labeled them as Rini, Atok, Bawang, and Alif. i don't remember why Alif didn't get nickname. Ija was interested to Bawang that time. what i understand about Rini is that same year he want to join for police cadet march but wasn't accepted. another fact is that he was in class 4a2 which is next door to my class. this story just getting more interesting. i'm being blindly in love teenage girl keep going to the toilet to keep my eyes on him. literally peeking like a pervert. ouchh.

July 2011 school sport's day held at stadium. in the morning arrive there then teacher gave every student in red HS a red tudung sarung which in small size. well i guess my face is big back then. i look so ugly wearing that. the morining before program started, rini did greet 'hai shamsiah' to me. i can only afford to smile back without answering.

little did i know, most guy student in Red HS texted Ija sayin' they like her, including Rini. she's beautiful anyway. i accepted the fact i'm not rini's type.

the year continue and i keep trying to find out more about him. my friends help me a lot. thank you. we seen the school megazine to look at his face when younger. i also active in Red Cross Crescent medical room and see his tooth checkup green card that was kept there. i found his number, address, ic and many more. i googled his house then went there but i couldn't found it. so many lorong. -finally found after few years-

from his ic i can see his exam results on SAPS online. he's good in mathematics but got G for add math. that time instagram wasn't so famous so i search his name on FB. i literally clicked every profiles that might be him and found it. gigih nau.

reading this again, i feel bad. i apologize for breaking your personal info. i'm really sorry.

from that, stupid action continues. i went to the restaurant that he went, the park, just singgah and go. silly. i also see his face in his friends fb and getting know them. i was so eager to go to school early to see he arrive with a taxi car, i thought at first it was his father drives taxi but it's not. his family car colored normal yellow with plate number W** 5**8. so early until my mom said the night moon didn't leave yet :D i was a silent stalker. somehow, my secret got exposed. i can't stop being obvious hahaha. once, i was heading out from female toilet for washing art supplies then saw him walking toward this side and i rushingly getting inside toilet again.

about my secret got exposed, i think it was when Atok and Alif was sitting at balai ehsan and asked me to come over when i was passing through them. then he asked if i liked rini.
i said no.

denying is useless haha.

Sept 2011, me and faiqah coming out from library, our bags was outside leaning to the wall. some kids make other bags scattered (some even near trash bin) and Rini's bag was on mine. ohhh.

ouuhhh.

also, i applied for librarian (pengawas pusat sumber) in that first year -cause it's my dream since little- then one day, on recess i was at library with my friends not eating. a few minutes before recess ended we head down for stroll then saw my names included with few students that need to go to library for interview/meeting the teacher on the notice board. the bells was ring so we need to get inside class already. at noon i came back to library then get scolded by the teacher that the one supposed to meet. i was there in the library that exact time. i didn't know i supposed to meet the teacher. that tall librarian laughed at me. as a conclusion, i didn't be one. my childhood ambition disappear. hmmm..

few days later, found out rini become a trainee for next year librarian. what?

if it's not meant to be, it won't be.

i've been reading my diary to write all this again cause it's been like, 9 years. not much i remember. there was one day i met (terserempak) cg Syed, our art club teacher and he asked if i can join helping club today. then i said no. i'm so awful. i should be more participate in everything.

21 Oct 2011, on recess i went to Library to look for Salina. She's from another class. the moment i enter, a friend of Rini, if not mistaken her name is Sofwah, she shout (like announce) my name in that quiet place. suddenly i saw rini is at her left side. why is that bookshelf taller than you? what is this situation? i don't even know her. wait, did he knows that i like him? his friends too?

i try my best to act normal and called for salina. suddenly rini said "is selena gomez here?"
me :.................

what's wrong with his reaction?

_you are now entering 2012-

2012, rini in form 5 and he's wearing orange uniform as librarian. me? still white dress & blue skirt in Form 2.
i couldn't confessed my feelings yet (why so dramatic girl?). my class this year located next to boys lavatory and his at building across (seberang) but have connected bridge. i become active in class cleaning that i become penolong ketua kebersihan. umar was the head. almost every morning got chores whether get trash out, sweeping floor, or wiping the windows. it's fun every morning du'a (prayer) students need to line up outside class for few minutes like mini assembly. that's when i able to see him. i also notice someone looking at me and then look away.
don't mind that.

because of my class location, there was a morning i arrive toward class and rini just get out from male toilet. Yati was there sayin' 'yo wassup !' to me. i smiled and greet (lambai tgn) her back. i'm not saying hi to you okay?

i feel gross with myself writing this. haha

17 Feb 2012 - i saw rini been holding a square lined pattern handkerchief all day. is he having a cold? he went outside class leisurely then ran back inside cause forgot his songkok. i notice something, male students in this school wears songkok when they got new haircut. so does him. he has funny cute round head.

2nd March - got fire drill. everyone rushing to the field. saw Rini wearing his police cadet uniform.

i have write like everyday about him in my diary but you'll get bored then so i just write what i think is fun. i watch how his bag color always changed, from away. when nearby, i get silent. haha. my friends are really supportive. they changed lane (as if we walking in school) so that i can bumped into rini way. i've been pulled, pushed, drag by them to get nearby my crush hahaha. i gain a lot info about rini also from them.
thank you :)

21st April - my little brother birthday. it was thursday and my class got PE (pendidikan jasmani) so we went to the field. and by coincidence, rini class was also there. awhhh is this fate?
(this school change schedule like 3 times a year)
during BM class, he came into our class as a representative asking who want to join National Chess competition. i keep my sight down on my homework as i was listening. i did realize he was looking toward the notice board at the back. he seem like trying to avoid any eye contact. is he nervous?
not because of me of course.

18 June - in the morning assembly got majlis penyampaian hadiah for Language Month. i keep playing with my friends like talking and don't care what the event about. suddenly my name was called cause i win first place for KOMSAS. Faiqah got second. after getting down from stage, we went outside hall then tawaf until back to our seat on the floor. Form 5 the same category Rini got first place too.

we both are such a clever kids hahaha

20 June - Rini wear police uniform today. after zohor prayer i follow Iffah & Aina to canteen for lunch. i just sleep there. saw Rini painting school wall mural nearby. he changed to black t-shirt. later i went to field cause i join Red Crescent club formation march (kawad) this year. i was lined at most front because i'm pretty much cute tiny person hahaha. i like this club. i get close to other races, not just malay. also there're one senior form 5, kak hidayah (a very nice person) that in same class with rini. she seem like don't notice my crush to that guy. her name is same to 1 year younger girl from me in KRK that also join the march, we call her Rhida (she told us to) for Nurhidayah. the shape formation was red crescent + red cross shape side to side then number 1 shape for 1Malaysia that time.

1st July - The school Sports Day. went to the stadium with white uniform and my hijab tucked in inside. during performing formation, the guy next to me forget his move then i move first. the other member whisper told him to get moving. usually during training i'm the one who keep forgetting + not so alert. after all club and HS done, we were told to assemble at front under the heat. i notice Rini was holding the flag pole for his club.

10 July - Ija's sengae chukaa :)

16 July - went to school and saw his car (on road) but not seeing him. that morning got assembly so every went to the hall. the teacher launch Library Week then Rini come up onto stage with a tiger mascot (in yellow color). -ohh you did came today- he just a tour guide for the person inside moving.

21st July - first day Ramadhan

in early August, in one morning in mathematic class i was feeling sleepy. teacher pass paper for us student to answer then submit back to her. i done answering and i write my name on it, in Jawi letters not normal alphabet hahaha. passing back forward, Fazli laughed seeing it. aigoo

August 2012 - during noon i was in class then heard a loud sounds. i thought just kids playing mercun (celebration after exam or something) but i was wrong. a parent was shot (killed) in front school at road (jalan raya). he was the father to rini's classmate. his wife also got hurt. student become curious to know and they watch from windows. suddenly i notice rini was inside my class to take a look through the window (penyibuk). my class is second floor facing the road so get a better view. oh, he was near.
Here's the news LINK of the accident

6 Sept 2011 - just a month left for my class english drama presentation. today, a practical teacher gave everyone a bookmark with our names written on it. i guess she made herself. thank you. there's a few color and i waited for my turn.
i received yellow color. Faiqah said i smiled all day. we learn arabic and Rini's name almost sound like yellow in arabic.

12 September = Faiqah Birthday :)
few days before that, our friend Iffah that was in photography club said the Police Cadet club photo don't have for school megazine. not sure if missing or they haven't submit yet. she ask to accompany her to Rini class -cause most of the P.C. member in there- but i refuse politely. then she went with Faiqah. it's a chance to meet him but i'm a shy person :P

19 Sept - Iffah push me until i fall onto the floor.
revenge? no, it was part of our class drama script hahaha. she played role as Lisa, a mother to a baby that was almost taken by me, Rumpelstiltskin. i'm thankful for my class letting me become the lead actress. i mean, actor. Rumpelstiltskin is not female or a human. hmm...

1st Oct - Iffah birthday huhuhu

Fiena yg lukis

-------2013-------

so does this story over? well he finishes his 5 year middle school and... i'm not sure what happen next. on 21st March SPM result is out, and Rini came to school. he wear stripe pattern maroon t-shirt. he was spotted few times working at Parkson maybe as part-timer. i don't really remember whether he continue as Form 6 or not in this same school but in my diary got a day where he called Iffah name, "itqanul". on May 16 - teachers day.

sometimes i didn't write details on my diary then made myself confused (not understand) hahaha

i continue Form 3. most of the year i play (not being focus) a lot. i skipped school many times. homework increases and i'm getting slower. i keep copying others (homework that they done) eventhough i don't understand the subject. the teachers told me to meet (rujuk) them if i needed help but i didn't came. i become so negative. few weeks before PMR, Allah grant me hidayah. alhamdulillah. i thought that time, this only happen once in my life why can't i do the best?

in PMR i got 8A1B, i'm so grateful able to get mathematics not failed/ passed -B- cause usually i don't like that subject. i literally skipped the questions i don't fond to during exam like totally blank space. the teacher really patient with me.
thank you Cg Hazani :)

the next year i continue my life as a vocational student. 4 years at another state. i travel using many types of transportation. gain more experience.

9 Sept 2016 - that day i was at KL Sentral, not sure if i'm going home or going towards college. i choose to ride LRT. went to buy token then going up the escalator. i heard the train already arrive but i still standing on the escalator, no rushing. it comes every 3 minutes right? the first one departed. i keep walking until front (end) of the station. i want to sit at the most front coach. there's no driver so you can see the road feel just like riding roller coaster.

the second train arrives and it parking way in the middle cause this one have like 2 coaches only (what??) so i run to the center of station.
at the most-front-coach door (that i was standing) opened. i got really surprised -inaudible-.
it's Rini. it's him. alive.

is this real? how can we meet here?

he walk outside from the train and leave. i couldn't say a word, just enter the train. he seem like didn't recognize me. well what do i expect? could it be someone else who looks like him? the same silhouette? what if it's really him? these few seconds in my life is really confusing.
LINK of the exact date

is my eyes lying? i didn't even think about him earlier that day.

if i choose to ride the first train, of standing in front of another door, will this ever happened?

20 Oct 2019 - i just came out from KTM feeling a bit sleepy while heading to my workplace. at first entrance of MV, outside Family Mart there's this guy again, Rini. he was standing with another guy seem like they're waiting someone, maybe their friend. he still wearing glasses, pretty slim body and curly hair. i become freshly awake (from the sleepiness) and keep walking forward. i didn't approach them.

that time he was smiling, but not for me.
i checked his instagram story and it's true. he was here this morning. i guess the country is so small until we bumped into each other again. hope you in good health.

CREDITS

this all my friends that help me a lot :3
Yati please senyum ikhlas sikit...

how my makeup looks like during Rumpelstilttskin drama play. i love my shoes that time.

3. call him Z

this kinda a short time crush. the name will be too obvious so let's call him Z. just the alphabet.

back in my childhood being a naughty kid i skip school so many times then it affects my marks. my mom was working at another school that time so she transfer me to her workplace. like does it will make a difference? yeah it did. this one my dad sent by his motorcycle so hardly skipping school haha. moving to a new school for the last year students got me awkward. some kids i knew for they came from same sekolah kebangsaan. mostly i never met (maybe) before. i sat at the most back seat. that's when i become friends with Fiena and Ija. also Raja, but i think she from another class. couldn't remember much.

so who is this Z guy? a boy pale skin wearing spectacles that color changes often. as for silhouette kinda square on the shoulder. ordinary, not the prefect red students. i guess his eyes were so big that shines through my heart :P hahaha. this drama getting more interesting during Sirah subject, the teacher make a group of three students for every time her class. coindentally me, Z and another classmate (girl) are in one group. and this other girl is few times absent if i not mistaken, leaving us two studying together. ohh. i'm so embarrassed but i keep cool. really?

there was one day, i was heading to the mosque nearby my house. need to go straight, corner right then follow the road to get there. many times i used that route/path. already memorized the shops through that way. suddenly i saw Z there inside (behind counter) of the corner shop. a jewellery store. this shop has been here for ages. why i didn't notice? then passing through many times i memorized his father's face. Z also there rarely sometimes.

so the whole year went by, i got the first place. kinda hesitated to go either this sra award day or sk award day - for i got two awards. why do you make the event on the same day? at sk award (not first place but 5A) my dad or my sister -not sure who- received it for me. next continue to middle high school, Z is in the same school same class as me. whut? but at this time i feel nothing towards him. got a new crush hahaha... i do notice his spectacles keep changing. being a teenager make me having so many crushes.

2013, during cikgu Hazani math class got quiz. i was feeling sleepy maybe that time. done answering the quiz paper, write name then send forward to student front of you to pass to the teacher. Z was there. he laughed seeing my paper. haha. i wrote my name in jawi letters even though we were in math class that time. the teacher just smile :)

oddly but true, one night around 2019 (will update the date here after i read my journal) when i was heading home from work, at bt caves station i saw someone familiar. that diamond head, that face, the almost same height person. could be him or mistaken for someone else? it was Z's father. i started approach then asked "are you Z father?" and he said yes. wow. "ohh you know my son?" i be like yeahh we're in the same class. i also told that i know his shop -that is now closed and change owner tailor shop- that time i already ordered Grabcar to head home then he said just ride together, his wife (drives the car) will arrive soon. i feel shy but after that i just cancel my Grab order. it was a big car whether unser or avanza type. i sat at the back. they both having chat at the front. they send me until front parking home. i am thankful.

what a coincidence. hihi. huhu.

enough.

4. Ninja Soldjier

bismillah... apekah ini?
ape lagi yg aku dah buat? hehe. again on this Lit app someone kinda knocked on the door of my heart. ecehhh. tbh i can't really remember when was the first time i met this user (B). maybe from Bibi's room. then somehow i went into this guy's room(server) and his another friend. topik yg dibincangkan sepertinya semua boleh masuk air. turns out they age were 24. hmm just around (sebaya) me laa. not long after that i get to know girl N - she came when the room name was shopee 9.9 and that moment was so riuh with that two guys. then have girl Am, Jiji and few more girls. great to hang out together.

suddenly one day the guy A got ring on his name with N girl. ring on that apps kinda symbolize that they become a couple. ouhhhhh ok. they said just wanna try the features and it bring a lot of diamonds to the receiver. well N asked to A. don't know why but i think the girl N did try (flirt) guy A hoping him would be her boyfriend at the moment. just my assumption la. they deny it so bad. around the next day guy B have ring name with Jiji girl. maybe the attraction didn't exist yet in my mind so i just play along with the situation. there like 2 pair of newlyweds between our gang. i been many times between that room and bibi's place.

got so many sleepless nights and i'm not lonely

i have noticed the guy A many times at room Bibi before, but not the guy B. who is this creature? spending a lot of time with them and... some nights i learned the guy B asmr (snoring) whenever he fallen asleep in the room with his microphone not turned off. ohh poor guy. we tried speak loudly (sergah) so maybe can effects him to wake up...but no use haha. guess he extremely tired. his friend guy A put on loud music sometimes to cover the sounds. because admin cannot (no authority) to kick owner out from the room. awww what is this friendship? im jealous. later lambat laun i found out he works like runner helping many people friends and family by driving many kind of car. sending stuff or people. depends on the task. also he did some-kind renovate motorbikes job. he was waiting for the job he had applied while doing a lot of good deeds. hmmm *grin*... kinda remind me to my mom.

there was one day i was feeling down, i said in the comment down there. i think that was the day someone (maybe from family) said something really hurts my feeling then even before diorang sempat reply i jumped onto another room. being weak voice and dibelenggu negativity, i try to act normal in front other people. they two followed me then get on the mic also with owner there (not sure which room), making jokes, membahan literally about everything including what i post on the feed. it bring laughter. hard to explain but these kemerepekan ease my dark heart...

all the nonsenses took my sadness away slowly

of course, they are normal human beings, boys. the gender that attracted to female, as long as not getting into crimes. talked few times about beautiful girls that passed on the feed timeline here. also the 'cikgu suraya' story kinda secretive they can't tell me in detail. hahaha. one time the B guy said look on the user one girl's profile that went out from room just now. that moment me n him user on the mic so we can see the avatar and we can just click on it to visit the profile. the people at comment down there can't see who just enter. he asked if that girl is minor (underage) then we discuss what she posted on her feed. ok can see her tummy. maybe her face is small that make her seem childlike. then got a photo showing cleavage so i said to him, if ada curve tu biasa dah dewasa. turns out our conversation up there been heard by org kat comment bawah. hahahaha pastu diorang tanya apa wehh ID dia. mmg tak la aku bagi hahaha. shouldn't spreading other maksiat. while i handling the crowds he suddenly become silent (when people start asking a lot down there). what is this behavior? i'm curious.

23 Sept- few hours late at night me n him in that room talking. about our studies back in the day. almost morning guy A came enter. we started to talk another topic. don't know why but i wanna prove my story so i send a photo of me standing in front of school's billboard that have my face on it (at DM) to guy B. that's the one my face smile not so cute with gums show hahaha. why that one la shams??? btw, later few hours he reply with a photo of him sitting on a motorcycle at entrance thai gates - photo taken from afar. i told him already saw this pic he use at discord profile picture. then i write "hao ke aii" - means cute. he just reply "hahahaha". ok awkward... but wait, i started thinking what's the function/purpose he sending me this picture? man, my mind travel.

no it can't be. i'll just ignore. but then he never looked at me that way before - BnTB

27 Sept- i have feeling like needed to leave all these behind. wanna ask for everyone's number but im too shy... instead i asked for email sayin' if one day i get married i'll invite them to my wedding by gugle meet or zoom meeting like that. mostly react thinking that was a joke but eventually they shared with me. some didn't. maybe that time thinking 29th sept is my second vaccination date so when later start working might uninstall this app. ceh. anyhow, about the guy B he kinda took some time to reply that. could it... nahhh, it can't be. sullma. the funny part is few days after that we - me, bibi, guy A, guy B , pedo n some other people watching movies on gugle meet (before usually discord) so can be seen their email written there as participant. lahhhhhhhhh alahai haha.

this guy you can sense cuteness overload. not just snoring nights, there are moments he was talking to another girl in conversation and a sudden 'mehrong' like bwekkk audio coming from his mic. not the want-to-win or im-always-right speech language but teasing attitude. also when people are being sus he does appeared uncomfortable. by sus i mean the sound of eating mic. one time, i introduced him to other user and he just shy shy anjenk. not to mention when teacher Tip that same Pahang with him so he was like avoiding in the conversation. yelahh nanti tahu la org tu dia sekolah mana dulu. understandable. i'm trying not to be interested toward him. i guess. haha.

6th Oct- how do i say, on this app got many sus jokes going around. some are acceptable i mean like if you don't point directly or going too deep in the meaning. but i do support the idea of not letting minor wander on this app. well some are learning (like great absorption) from the negativity. but why adult can? BBNU ni biasanya nak try benda baru ni lain macam sikit. so one time, i was in the room with guy B at mic, came a girl -eiji- if not mistaken her age was 14-15 like that. she just type at the comment -not going on the mic- said i was her mommy. and got few cursing words. at first i just take that as a joke. no euw response. later she type something like "mommy i want milk"... don't know why but i feel embarrassed with that. maybe because got guy B there and that statement somehow got my mind imagine it. i started to get uncomfortable. so i try to change topic saying go buy at the shop la. a few moments after that she left the room. was she insulting me? was this joke taken too far? i should be husnuzon right? hmmm...

8th Oct- we were hanging out and many people come and go. suddenly got this one girl name Mel (many times seen her in other englisj room before) get onto the mic. she starts crying and the situation become awkward. she tells about her problems with her family regarding her choice in studies. other people that enter room went out instantly. the vege guy chat me i should lock the room (as owner) to prevent other people disturb at the moment. but nahhh i just let the door open and it does help when her friends came also to calm her. took quite a long period of time la jgk. the guy B feel uneasy said (after she left) that he don't know how to coax someone. he said guy A is better in this situation but he's not here. it's okay. sometimes people with problems just want listener to hear his/her story. not long after that Mel came back asking to sleep on the mic haha. she feel wanna sleep hearing people conversation. yeah fine - and in the subuh when closing the room i kicked her out hehehe ... sorry

9th Oct- "susah nak faham perempuan niii!" he rantled. "kau fikir senang ke nak faham lelaki??" me replied. we both loud volume n somehow the atmosphere feel like in a drama XD suddenly he asked how was Mel story did i heard the perkembangan cerita, and i said yeah today she came at Bibi's room telling now her mother allowed her to study the courses she wants and later she can took nurses education. win-win. then he kinda wants confirmation, "see-why does girls are so complicated?" ohh it's related to his problem at the moment about a friend at his village with carrying a child asking him for a job. he tried to help with his mother restaurant looking for employee but got problem arise in the process. he got frustrated. i listen until the end of his story. a lot of effort he put to help many people. as a conclusion, he seem like a good person from his stories. well i don't know. charming? i don't know....

10th Oct- it's getting harder adjusting my sleep as my daytime also feels a bit weird. anyway at night we (gang) don't really have promised time when to open the room. in my room most of the gang are admin (aku lantik) because i like them all. so they have the authority to open the room even when i'm not around. i think it's fine cause people got to socialize together on this platform. as long as not making trouble so why not. on that night i think i overslept on sejadah after prayer and i open this app around after midnight. well i do think a lot about that guy in the day. why do you keep crossing my mind? will he be online at this moment? i opened and check out other rooms that i followed then got bored. suddenly i saw 1 person inside my room and is active. wait, what? i entered and there he is, on the mic. it was like a split second then he offline. ouhhhh. you were here all along? why not hosting your own room? did you wait for me? like is this real? wait, really? adakah aku tak bertepuk sebelah tangan? can't be...did you ever feel a spark between us? did i berangan too much? so many questions i wanna ask that guy. being left alone in my room feel silent but i can't stop smiling. what's wrong with me....

i know i shouldn't put hope too high but i will be glad if he's the one made for me. *bersambung.....

5. So Much More

there are other guys, i kinda feel attracted about them but i couldn't write here. maybe because the feelings vanished or it doesn't have a happy ending. i'm tryna live my life toward loving myself and appreciate more of people loving me :) Thank you for reading.

the distance.